.caught up.

Lately I have been so caught up in feeling sorry for myself. I have been so narrowly focused and have believed that everyone else around me is in some sort of happy relationship and that I have been left out in the cold. I try to give myself pep talks by reminding myself that I am a smart girl, I have an awesome job lined up for me, I will be getting my graduate degree and my CPA certification, and I am not the ugliest thing to walk the face of the earth. But this pep talk can quickly go back to Satan attacking me through my insecurities.

And unfortunately I allow the attacks to knock me down.

I question over and over again, “What is wrong with me?” But maybe I am asking the wrong question. Maybe I am learning of yet another area of my life that I have not completely given over to God.

Honestly, it sucks. (Sorry if this word is offensive, but I am tired of hiding how I really feel) I am tired of hearing that it is just not your time or that you just haven’t met Mr. Right yet. So in this disgust is where I see that there is a need to rephrase my questioning. I need to be asking, “God, why am I in this season of life right now and how can I use this time in the most effective way?”

It’s a question that I don’t like to ask because it changes the focus from myself to God. I am a selfish person and some days I don’t want to lift a single finger to change this about myself. But why would any guy who is seeking after God want to be with a girl who loves to have a convenience driven relationship with God?

So it’s time for me to let go of my bitterness and pity parties. They were semi fun while they lasted. But I don’t want to be that girl who is always complaining to the other single people around me. I don’t want to turn in to that girl who throws herself at every guy either because she is scared she will die alone with her ten million cats.

I want to be the girl who waited and became stronger because of the wait. I want to be the girl who makes it known that I don’t go for just any guy and that I am worth the pursuit. I want to be the girl that makes a guy’s relationship with Jesus stronger because he is with me. I want to be the girl who trusts that God is preparing me in this season.

I know that I will never be a Victoria’s Secret model or some A-list-Hollywood-plastic-always-put-together actress. I know that I have flaws and that sometimes I can be a little outspoken and stubborn. I know that I have shortcomings. But no longer do I have to torture myself with the question, “What is wrong with me?”

Instead I will ask the question, “Why am I wasting my time dwelling on this? God, what do I need to be learning in this season?”

I want to be the girl who didn’t allow herself to get caught up in the pity parties and instead allowed herself to be caught up in the protective arms of God.

And with His help, I will be that girl.